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I can't believe it....but I'm finally coming home...I really don't know how i feel about it. I don't want to leave at all, but at the same time I really can't wait to see my family. ohhhh germany...you have stolen my heart. I hate you. :(

official arrival time:

July 18th 11 pm. I'm free after that...I'll be accessible best online probably for the first few days before I get a cell phone...lets hang people!

Tucson here I come...
since i've updated. and it's not gonna be long either...I just get the feeling. first of all:

LESS THAN 3 MONTHS TIL I'M HOME! I will be back july 19th or 20th. not sure yet. only 2 months of work left, then a few days free, 2 weeks of rome and venice, then a few more days free, 2 days in new york then I'm back. I cannot believe that a year has already almost passed. it's so strange how sometimes it seems like you're never going to get home, but then it just sneaks up on you. don't get me wrong I love me my germany...I might move back later.

If I didn't put this in here before, I'm staying in tucson for a year at least. most likely 2 to finish at the uofa unless I feel the need to transfer somewhere.

so a lot has happened in the last two months I guess...I broke up with one boy, found another...but that just ended. not worth explaining in here, but both were necessary. nothing bad. I went to paris, stayed in the hotel that michael jackson held is "blanket" out of, spent about 3 weeks in berlin total most likely...which is my favorite city tied with paris. went to erfurt for a while...dyed some eggs german style (which is no different) celebrated my birthday with some of my favorite people in the world in Goettingen by drinking DAS BOOT! (beerfest anyone?) and officially watched 3 seasons of scrubs online.

I'm still working...basically I help prepare, advertise, and sometimes participate with kids activities, classes, plays, workshops, camping things. it's pretty cool. for example today I helped out with a circus class we have where I work and yeah pretty much since I've been helping, I can juggle, walk on a tightrope, do lots of cartwheels, and layed on a bed of nails. which anyone can do by the way. good stuff.

okay so maybe this was longer than I thought. now I'm gonna do some german class homework and try to do my fafsa hopefully it's not too late. yeahhh. I miss everyone...2 and odd months I'll see you at my coming home party! WOOOOT! haha alright. ENDE.

p.s. see 300 if you haven't. and watch the new harry potter trailer.
Hey. has been quite the while eh? I'm always gonna be bad at journals I decided. but I think I'll be able to live with that. 5 months til I come home folks, get prepared, get prepared. I cannot believe the time is going/has gone so fast. insanity. sometimes It feels like I've been here for ten years, and others, it seems like a year is the shortest time ever. there's no doubt by the time I'm back home, It will feel like this year was a flash of wonderfulness.

So this weekend/week is Karneval in germany (also known by many other names depending on where you are) which is basically a way bigger version of mardi gras minus boobs (unless you want I guess...). All of us original cologne language school buddies went back to cologne for the weekend to celebrate. Cologne is the karneval capital. the whole city is basically closed except for restaurants and kiosks. there are parades and everyone dresses up. EVERYONE. I'll post pictures on myspace/facebook or something...but it was honestly the coolest most amazing weekend ever. I stayed out all night and watched the sun rise in front of the main cathedral. I can't even describe it, so I won't. I really recommend people to visit cologne when they go to germany...I'm gonna say it's probably the most friendly, easy going, party having city. such a good weekend. I may have had to much too drink...maybe hurt my wrist or something...maybe don't remember how, but other than that it's cool haha. unforgettable.

now I'm sitting in my room being a tad sad that I'm by myself again, and not partying it up in happy cologne...but it's alright It's good to get back into the flow of things. I'm listening to old school Avril for some reason. I really miss everyone!

other than Karneval...I started working here, I work for a company that offers movement, theater and music programs for kids and youth up to 20...there are exchanges to cyprus, italy, and france, and hopefully I'll be able to go along to one of them! that would rule. I assisted in a kids circus class (sounds weird right?) but it was such a blast. I really really like my job...It takes me about 1 minute literally to walk there, it's on my street, they are really flexible and I usually don't work more than 5 hours (which consists of circus classes, and watching play rehearsals etc). I'm doing this kids event on tuesday, playing games, dressing up (it's the last day of karneval) and dancing to YMCA apparently haha. It's really great. looking forward to the rest of my time there for sure.

My bday is in two months, I think I'm planning something in Hamburg with other people in the program with april birthdays. I've been trying to get my shit done for school next semester...I'm no longer going to NAU...I changed my mind, made a pro con list and decided on Colorado University NOT haha UofA. I wish I could afford that school. love boulder. yeah...doing stuff online is definitely less effective emailing to ask questions blahblah. kind of a pain, but it's alright. I'm entering as a linguistics major. should be good :) I'm excited to actually go to a University.

this is a pretty boring entry I know, so I'll stop now...plus sk8er boi is on so I have to pay full attention haha.
I am a happy camper.

A lot of things have been going through my head, most of them good ...

I LOVE CHRISTMAS. even though it was really strange to be away from my family, I still had a wonderful christmas...I got presents from my grammy, I got to visit my aunt in Ulm, and me and Tyler made a bomb ass just us christmas day and I'm proud of it. I also made some really good spaghetti and meatballs...bread and salad included folks.

about a week ago I went to nuremberg (former nazi capital of the world...) to visit their famous christmas market. It was fantastic, and me and tyler met up with my friend sarah and her boyfriend (sarah's also in the program). the christmas market and Gluehwein (hot mulled wine)were fabulous. what a city, I loved it. We also went to the Nazi documentation center/Museum, which was probably my favorite museum so far. It focuses on the persuasive strategies of the Nazi party and how people were brainwashed into following hitler...not really focused on WWII, so that was cool. I thoroughly enjoyed it.

We walked around the unfinished former nazi rally grounds, which was mind boggling. so crazy. It is an 11.5 square mile area that was supposed to be dedicated to erecting a series of buildings (arenas, congress buildings, exhibition fields etc) to make the rallies of the nazi party more accessible and "enjoyable" HAH. it consisted of the famous zeppelin Field where Hitler stood and delivered his famed speeches (it's the location shown in all the videos in history class of him...) It's pretty beat up compared to how it used to look, but the fact that you can go stand on the very same pedistal that Hitler did, is just insane. I stood there. I don't really know how to spill my thoughts out correctly but It was something I won't forget. definitely my favorite thing so far in germany. go to nuremberg if you come here...it's the site of the famous nuremberg trials too (remember history class? I barely do...).

I've just been trying to soak up my time with tyler since he leaves the 13 of january. Maya's coming to visit for christmas fun tomorrow, and then we're off to Berlin this weekend for New Years...if anyone's watching TV and they see the int'l countdown thing in berlin think of me? haha.


p.s. muppet christmas carol is hilarious. I forgot.

just wanted to say it is officially...

THANKSGIVINGGGGG in germany :). they don't know what it is really...but I'm making one anyways.

everyone have a fun tryptophan filled day!!!


p.s. anyone who has access to death cab's brothers on a hotel bed....just listen to the first 1:20 and just appreciate the beautifulness. it gets me every time. favorite rhythm ever.
anyone else watching heroes?? one of my friends downloads it and i've been able to keep up....does anyone else's life get swallowed up by it? cause mine does. good show good show.

on a wonderful note, maya visited me this weekend and I was able to retrieve most of my music that i so shitily deleted on accident some months ago...I feel like I just ate a big piece of "great" and I don't want it to digest cause it tastes so good. I love music...today was definitely a music day.

now I'm going to watch shopgirl and do homework. I love you all. OH AND WHOEVER HAS A WII PLEASE TELL ME ABOUT IT. it's as close as I can get. and buy Zelda for it. It looks amazing. and then tell me about that too....haha.

Tyler comes in TEN DAYS. holy mother fucking shit...happy days!
I hate writing journal entries. I've finally realized this. by the time I'm finished I definitely don't...it feels good to get something out and be able to physically see your voiced experiences/opinions--even though they're your own its easier to understand yourself when you see it. I think I hate them because I don't ever think I can accurately write out what I feel. I really wish I were a more articulate, well read person with a more extensive vocabulary. sundays always get me into this mood...and I know it's only because all I do is sit around knowing I could be doing more productive things like studying, or doing my journal for my online literature class that's due tomorrow...that I know I will do, it's just a matter of when my stubborn mind decides to.

Sundays in germany are good and bad. bad because everything (almost everything) is closed. there is really no reason to try to go into town except to walk around and take pictures. currently the weather is getting colder with every day so the idea of just going outside to walk around is increasingly becoming undesirable. I always always have work to do for my online class because I got behind the first month since my dvds had to be sent overseas to me and there were complications...I have to finish my work for this class by the 29th of this month. I know I will get it done, but I hate knowing i still have to. I have a childish mentality about getting stuff done most times. I complain a lot...I realize this. they are also good because they make me think. and you just have to do that sometimes to realize certain things.

today I had a revelation that I think I knew was always there, but it needed to be dug out by none other than myspace...wow right? So I get into my sunday mood of missing tucson and familiar things (nothing serious like depression but im still easing myself out of everything...coming to the realization that i really do have 9 months left here.)and so I get online--no one I want to talk to is on since I'm 9 hours ahead and most people are sleeping...naturally myspace is easy to get occupied by because it in some way keeps me in touch with the social aspects of most of my friends lives and gives me a chance to comment to them even if they're not there. It's pretty pathetic that this is my method to see how people are doing, I realize this, but evenso it happens...just the way it goes...yeah I email but not everyone. same with livejournal. but it's just different. going through everyone's pages they're silly little list of top 8 friends (i have it to, im not dissin)...comments from these friends, a little representation of themselves only conveyed through this measly internet page
just made me take a look at myself and what it means to be me. Most of the time (ohhh sundays) I don't think of myself in a positive way. I always look at myself and think of what i COULD do to make things better--what i COULD do to make this or this easier, or more comfortable, or more fun. I never think about the present situation I've created for myself and that is so unhealthy to overlook. I've made posts in the past about how I have a problem not acknowledging my current moment and achievements...always adding to my list. but today on myspace I looked at my stupid profile. It's not even close to showing what I really am...what I think about everyday, what I do, what I want to represent (if there is anything...). but even so it made me think about what I really am. I like myself. I almost just erased that sentence because I usually don't say stuff like that about myself...but I feel okay with what I am, what I'm doing. I'm really lucky to be here. no matter how grey my sundays are I need to always think back to what matters--and that's not whether or not anything's open or whether or not i'm doing my work. It's me, the relationships i've made broken mended remembered. people. people are what make me happy, and for me, I've got the most amazing group of friends in the world. the most amazing supportive family even though they're insane sometimes. I like it that way. I like that I was kinda poor being raised...now I know what it's like...every single hard time has showed me something I needed to know...given me a glimpse at the big picture. every single person I've even spoken with has made a small impression on me and I hope me to them. everyday you meet people. see people, maybe make eye contact with them on the bus...it's just interesting how there are only SOME you actually get to know. everyone has their own life, goals, relationships, opinions, problems, past, loves, hates, worries, and fears. Humanity is so complex yet so simple at the same time. I love thinking about this stuff. everything leads to another thought...thoughts don't ever really end they just pause...

one other thing that makes me go crazy is the notion of time. what is the past? present? future? they can become so blurred sometimes. I would like to live in the moment but that means remembering your past and thinking about your future too doesn't it? every little memory I have is so important to me and how I react now...how I view things and how I plan to view them later. watching videos, seeing pictures of how things used to be make me more happy than sad...it's a way to view the past more clearly...to view myself more clearly...and I think that's what everyone needs to do every now and then. stop their teeth brushing, paper writing, book reading, music playing, rushing, running, loving, hating. whatever activity you might be doing at any giving moment to just stop. look outside. see where you are who you are and what IS. you'll be looking back soon enough and you're always looking forward (if your name is liberty)but just look at now for a second. don't miss it. I don't want to.

even though that was all mixed up all I really want to say is thank you everyone who I've ever come into contact with. you make me. no matter if we know each other well or not. danke.

this has been the longest probably weirdest entry if you even read all of it...but that's what journals are for right?
alright SO. ten days since my last depressing update, don't worry this one is better hopefully. I went to go visit maya last weekend in her little town of Erfurt. I love it. It is in former east germany AHHHH haha jk...it's realllly pretty, it's got one of the only bridges left in the world that has shops on the side of it...built in over the bridge its really cool. it's pretty grey at the moment but that's just cause its germany in the fall and it's pretty grey all the time. this is the moment when I ask myelf...do i spell it grey or gray? and i always do grey...not sure why. alright back to relevant stuff...Maya's got some really cool roommates one of which was in the same program we were in but went to america 2 years ago...so her english is great. We went to something called a zwiebelmarkt (onion market) on friday night...and yeah you would think it would be boring with some food maybe in the main city center and some onions, but nonono. germans find every excuse to get their riesenrads (ferris wheels) out and bands to come. there was an insane amount of people with drinks everywhere and food and candy and roasted nuts and delicious fun...it was a good time. gotta love germany man. then we hit up shopping on saturday and i went home sunday. It's weird not being able to talk to maya all the time, but its been workin out so far...she should be coming to visit this next weekend.

I'm not really sure how to react to germany's lack of halloween festivity(nik, ya feelin me there?). there are some parties in bigger cities but i dont want to pay to go far and get drunk...haha. we'll see what happens I think there's something small here in wiesbaden. I really want to carve a pumpkin--i've never not carved a pumpkin for halloween...weird. I also realized yesterday that this will be the first year I'm ever going to wake up for christmas without my little brother and sister in the same room (yeah we're dorks about christmas...we stay up late and do stupid stuff and then wake up at the buttcrack of dawn to open presents). I'm gonna miss that. It's alright no need to be sad because TYLER is coming on NOV 30th! I'm so excited to have someone come visit. holy crappppp.

As for myself and what i'm doing lately...well I have a problem going to school because my teachers don't really notice if I'm there or not, but I realize its important for learning german so I'll be working on that. I emailed a girls soccer team and their coach is emailing me back about getting a spot! that will be amazing if I can do it. and tonight is my first night of choir...I joined a random church choir that i guess a lot of random people just join and I'm happy. any excuse to meet people really. I'm at that weird stage where I don't have any german friends that I want to hang out with on the weekends...the ones in my classes at school that i hang out with are really nice but one lives in the next town, and we're just not close enough yet. I need to get my ass going with friend making dangit. my roommates have girlfriends so that's a no go...or they're gone. and one of the two americans that are here went to berlin...the other one i can probably hang out with. its just kind of depressing to not have anything to do on the weekend! this never happens. it will get better i know, but i hate this inbetween stage. I'm going to get a shit load of homework done though! that's awesome.

this was way to long sorry! update next week hopefully... :) and if anyone is going to be in europe please tell me and visit me. now.
are weird. when you are sitting in your room alone with your brain, sometimes you go insane. I did today. I dunno I woke up late, and just started doing the "lets get emo and think about what you're doing with your life". It just bothers me when I still get into these moods because I thought (naivly) that it would go away once I got to Germany. because FUCK--I'm in germany finally right? ever since I started taking german as a junior I wanted to go. I always wanted to travel abroad and just experience as much as i possibly could. I feel like right now I am just totally not giving this experience a chance to breathe. I constantly worry about whether or not I will be able to learn german as well as I would like to, whether or not this was the right way to go. and i HATE when I doubt my being here. i feel so rude and ungreatful. It just hurts sometimes. knowing how far away I am, and not seeing what i'm immediately gaining from this just because im too busy being a baby about it. don't get me wrong I definitely have my moments of realization that I am doing something with myself, but it's inbetween those moments that hurt the most and just piss me off. I need to stop being so negative...I'm looking forward to christmas. I'll miss home a lot but tyler will be here and so will the glorious christmas markets. I used to say nothing could keep me from going to germany...and now sometimes I want to just fly home? what the hell is that?? well I think since I realize im being negative it's just a little stage in getting used to being alone and forced to do something with yourself. that's what i wanted...overall its going to make things better in the end. I guess I have only been here for 2 and a half months...I'm still adjusting. BREATHE and just go with it. visiting maya this weekend should help too. what a whiney entry! haha.
I guess I'm just really the shittiest person ever at updating this thing. alright so basically I just moved away from cologne, all the people I know there and basically all my english friends! basically no more english (except for my roommate and his friends want to speak english with me...I told them I prefer deutsch though). I am now a resident of Wiesbaden...definitely a beautiful town but its got its weird traits too. like being way too expensive. having a lot of old people. and closing by midnight basically (Except for a few places). I live about 15 minutes away from mainz on the other side of the rhine which has a good party/club scene so really its not a problem. and I live about 45 minutes away from frankfurt so thats cool for concerts etc. I like it here. last night I hung out with my roommate and 4 of his friends...they are so nice and accepting here! I'm really glad ...I was kinda worried about having roommates. I live in a studentenwohnheim which is basically dorms but nicer...It's just an apartment with 4 rooms...you share a kitchen and two bathrooms. It's pretty nice. I'm going to ikea this weekend on sunday to buy stuff for my room and the kitchen to make it feel more at home. I'm gonna sell it all towards the end since I can't exactly take it back so easily. I found a music store!!!! I'm so excited I'm totally buying a guitar. It's been raining the last few days so it's kind of depressing...but I can see that I'm going to have a good time. I can't believe I'll be here for ten more months but at the same time it's really not that long at all. half of the german students I have talked to here have been to the US for a year already. everyone has pretty good english. I hope my german will be as good as their english by the time I leave. my "dorm" is kinda freaky in the hallways...It's like an insane asylum...but a lot of partying goes on usually so thats cool. This weekend I'm driving with a few friends to stuttgart to hang out and then drive to ikea on the way back! next wednesday is school. which kinda freaks me out, but then again I was freaked out about moving and everything has worked out thus far. I MISS TUCSON. I like yogurt here its good.here...I'll make a things I like /dont like list:

things I like about germany:
*bread and pastries. holy crap you will never find better...everythings crazy good.
*ice cream. it's just better. sorry america.
* washing machines...they work better. I dunno I think it's just kind of known to be that way
*yogurt. yum
*windshield wipers are just one big one. it just makes more sense and it works...there's no awkward spot in the lower middle of your windshield that is always wet. weird I know but i just like it
*walking and outside. everyone walks more...and it's lovely. you can get to most places on foot and it's just more healthy. It's just green and gorgeous here...and I love it!
*public transportation. sometimes not on time, but that always happens. I like being able to function without a car...It's nice...BUT I also miss my car at the same time.
*the language. it just makes sense...instead of making new words for everything they just put them together...for example. instead of having a word for refrigerator it's just kuhlschrank which is the equivelant of cool closet. makes perfect sense. it's just funny i love german
* four seasons
*doener sandwiches (turkish equivelant of the greek gyro...it's totally good and there are so many doener stands...its late night drunk food.
*pommes mmmmm. french fries...oh and the mayonnaise here is good. I know sounds gross but its definitely not.
* beeeeer
*H&M. good store good store.
*german tv. pop stars represent! It's so funny...

things I dont like:
*rain rain rain
* homeless people bothering you for beer bottles (you get money for them here...that was only in cologne though cause its a big city)
*crazy mother fucking children. I dont know what it is but kids are insane here...parents in general are more of a "let them learn their own lesson" approach and kids run wild.
* servers dont really tend to you at all. you have to flag them down and sometimes it takes forever to eat a meal...I waited an hour for my food once....which is ALRIGHT but yeah.
*no free refills! drinks fucking suck. you have to ration your one glass of coke which costs a lot for how little it is (usually 0,2 to 0,3 liters unless you order a big one but that's even more money so...)
* poop shelf toilets. there are some older toilets here that are flat and then drop down inside so your crap or whatever you do lands on it...it was how some people use to inspect if they were sick or not. it's just strange and never flushes well hahaha
*milk. it's just not the same
*steak. it's just not the same
*there's no kraft macaroni and cheese
*16 year olds being allowed to drink and therefore being at clubs you go to. weird and annoying.
I dont know that's all I care to try to think of right now...I will hopefully update more often of happenings here in wiesbaden!
*no dryers! not many people have dryers they hang their clothes...but now I have some so it's cool
*the euro. AHHH I'm spending so many american dollars its lame.