are weird. when you are sitting in your room alone with your brain, sometimes you go insane. I did today. I dunno I woke up late, and just started doing the "lets get emo and think about what you're doing with your life". It just bothers me when I still get into these moods because I thought (naivly) that it would go away once I got to Germany. because FUCK--I'm in germany finally right? ever since I started taking german as a junior I wanted to go. I always wanted to travel abroad and just experience as much as i possibly could. I feel like right now I am just totally not giving this experience a chance to breathe. I constantly worry about whether or not I will be able to learn german as well as I would like to, whether or not this was the right way to go. and i HATE when I doubt my being here. i feel so rude and ungreatful. It just hurts sometimes. knowing how far away I am, and not seeing what i'm immediately gaining from this just because im too busy being a baby about it. don't get me wrong I definitely have my moments of realization that I am doing something with myself, but it's inbetween those moments that hurt the most and just piss me off. I need to stop being so negative...I'm looking forward to christmas. I'll miss home a lot but tyler will be here and so will the glorious christmas markets. I used to say nothing could keep me from going to germany...and now sometimes I want to just fly home? what the hell is that?? well I think since I realize im being negative it's just a little stage in getting used to being alone and forced to do something with yourself. that's what i wanted...overall its going to make things better in the end. I guess I have only been here for 2 and a half months...I'm still adjusting. BREATHE and just go with it. visiting maya this weekend should help too. what a whiney entry! haha.