I hate writing journal entries. I've finally realized this. by the time I'm finished I definitely don't...it feels good to get something out and be able to physically see your voiced experiences/opinions--even though they're your own its easier to understand yourself when you see it. I think I hate them because I don't ever think I can accurately write out what I feel. I really wish I were a more articulate, well read person with a more extensive vocabulary. sundays always get me into this mood...and I know it's only because all I do is sit around knowing I could be doing more productive things like studying, or doing my journal for my online literature class that's due tomorrow...that I know I will do, it's just a matter of when my stubborn mind decides to.
Sundays in germany are good and bad. bad because everything (almost everything) is closed. there is really no reason to try to go into town except to walk around and take pictures. currently the weather is getting colder with every day so the idea of just going outside to walk around is increasingly becoming undesirable. I always always have work to do for my online class because I got behind the first month since my dvds had to be sent overseas to me and there were complications...I have to finish my work for this class by the 29th of this month. I know I will get it done, but I hate knowing i still have to. I have a childish mentality about getting stuff done most times. I complain a lot...I realize this. they are also good because they make me think. and you just have to do that sometimes to realize certain things.
today I had a revelation that I think I knew was always there, but it needed to be dug out by none other than myspace...wow right? So I get into my sunday mood of missing tucson and familiar things (nothing serious like depression but im still easing myself out of everything...coming to the realization that i really do have 9 months left here.)and so I get online--no one I want to talk to is on since I'm 9 hours ahead and most people are sleeping...naturally myspace is easy to get occupied by because it in some way keeps me in touch with the social aspects of most of my friends lives and gives me a chance to comment to them even if they're not there. It's pretty pathetic that this is my method to see how people are doing, I realize this, but evenso it happens...just the way it goes...yeah I email but not everyone. same with livejournal. but it's just different. going through everyone's pages they're silly little list of top 8 friends (i have it to, im not dissin)...comments from these friends, a little representation of themselves only conveyed through this measly internet page
just made me take a look at myself and what it means to be me. Most of the time (ohhh sundays) I don't think of myself in a positive way. I always look at myself and think of what i COULD do to make things better--what i COULD do to make this or this easier, or more comfortable, or more fun. I never think about the present situation I've created for myself and that is so unhealthy to overlook. I've made posts in the past about how I have a problem not acknowledging my current moment and achievements...always adding to my list. but today on myspace I looked at my stupid profile. It's not even close to showing what I really am...what I think about everyday, what I do, what I want to represent (if there is anything...). but even so it made me think about what I really am. I like myself. I almost just erased that sentence because I usually don't say stuff like that about myself...but I feel okay with what I am, what I'm doing. I'm really lucky to be here. no matter how grey my sundays are I need to always think back to what matters--and that's not whether or not anything's open or whether or not i'm doing my work. It's me, the relationships i've made broken mended remembered. people. people are what make me happy, and for me, I've got the most amazing group of friends in the world. the most amazing supportive family even though they're insane sometimes. I like it that way. I like that I was kinda poor being raised...now I know what it's like...every single hard time has showed me something I needed to know...given me a glimpse at the big picture. every single person I've even spoken with has made a small impression on me and I hope me to them. everyday you meet people. see people, maybe make eye contact with them on the bus...it's just interesting how there are only SOME you actually get to know. everyone has their own life, goals, relationships, opinions, problems, past, loves, hates, worries, and fears. Humanity is so complex yet so simple at the same time. I love thinking about this stuff. everything leads to another thought...thoughts don't ever really end they just pause...
one other thing that makes me go crazy is the notion of time. what is the past? present? future? they can become so blurred sometimes. I would like to live in the moment but that means remembering your past and thinking about your future too doesn't it? every little memory I have is so important to me and how I react now...how I view things and how I plan to view them later. watching videos, seeing pictures of how things used to be make me more happy than sad...it's a way to view the past more clearly...to view myself more clearly...and I think that's what everyone needs to do every now and then. stop their teeth brushing, paper writing, book reading, music playing, rushing, running, loving, hating. whatever activity you might be doing at any giving moment to just stop. look outside. see where you are who you are and what IS. you'll be looking back soon enough and you're always looking forward (if your name is liberty)but just look at now for a second. don't miss it. I don't want to.
even though that was all mixed up all I really want to say is thank you everyone who I've ever come into contact with. you make me. no matter if we know each other well or not. danke.
this has been the longest probably weirdest entry if you even read all of it...but that's what journals are for right?